Clarissa.
22.
23/06/1983.
University Of Sydney.
Sydney, Australia.
hi...
thanks for reading my blog...
do come back again soon..!
REALLY cannot bear to-- but maybe it’s time to move on.. because I do not want him to end up hating me...
Right.. another entry. It is not what u think-- I am NOT trying my best to become a celebrity blogger (even though I said so, I thought u would have realised that it’s a joke.. -.-) Anyway, if u see me entering a blog entry everyday, it is most probably because I am going thru a 'rough patch' in life.. I am such an emotional freak, I need to pour out my feelings. Keep them in, and I risk bursting, and destroying myself. And I guess I am a sucker for sympathy too lah..
So, I have decided to give up. I have to admit, I can get a bit "freaky" because more often than not, I do not control my emotions, I allow them to control me. I am a classic 'lead by the heart, not by the brain' type of girl. These few days had not been good for me, and I think it is so for him too. I must be driving him nuts with what I said and do some times, but I guess I was kinda screwed up by the emotion roller-coaster he was bringing me on-- anticipation then disappointment, then anticipation, then disappointment.. here and there and here and there, my emotions were pushed around constantly by what he said-- and it was driving me nuts..! Swollen eyes and a tremendous desire to call in sick for work had became a common thing in the morning.. it’s affecting me a bit TOO much, I think..
Maybe you are wondering, or even he, himself, is wondering why his rejection is causing me sooo much hurt.. but truth is-- it is not exclusive to him.. every time a guy I loved leaves me or is unable to like me back, I foolishly allow my own emotions to get out of control, and overwhelmed me. And it gets worse with the years, because the past bad experiences will re-surface the moment such things happen again, and it caused me not to be troubled about just one guy, but my whole life of bad experiences with guys.. All in all, I am just an emotional freak lah.. >
0<
He claims that not to be with me is for my own good, I’m not going to be happy with him, so question now is: do I appear very happy to you NOW??? Afraid of moving along because he is afraid of the consequences, but this, ironically, caused me the pain that he is supposedly trying to protect me from.. SO, what is the purpose? I don’t see one at all.. I think eventually, it is not for my own good, he just didn’t want to reject me out-right.. I guess he was trying to be kind..
I really could have lived with just having a simple crush on him, why do things had to happen?? Few minutes of bliss in exchange for days of sadness-- totally not worth it.. I rather just have our simple friendship back.. When things progress, but not to the desired stage-- what is the purpose of the progress then? In this case-- only to add on to my misery.. :(
Anyway, as mentioned before, as much as I want to see him and talk to him everyday, I have to stop interaction with him for now.. because I’m driving myself and him crazy with my emotional actions/words.. It’s better off this way, I guess.. for him, definitely.. for me, it’s a REALLY 'cannot bear to, but have to' situation.. because if this senseless act of mine continues, I will risk losing him for good. I see ABSOLUTELY no future in us actually (since he is soooo unwilling), but at least the friendship is worth keeping, or so I think..
So, I told him, last night, what I think he must be dying to hear from me-- "I think it will be better for us to stop interaction for now". I thought I was really brave when I managed to express it, but the very next second my tears just flow out, can feel the pain soooo much.. not brave at all, in the end, just a fool lah..
Thanks friends and sister for support.. I know I’m always doing such foolish things to myself and always crying to u all.. but what to do?? This is me and I don’t have the will to change.. And it’s terrible to be alone.. I absolutely hate to be alone, so thank you for being there, somehow..
If u had read my previous entry, u would know that I've found an old friend recently, and last night, when I was chatting with him, I told him about this incident, then he said something like: 10 years ago, when he first met me, I had such guys-problem, and now 10 years later, I am still having guys-problem.. See?! I truly believe in karma and past life thingy—so, I seriously think I have very bad karma now due to evil past-lives (haha!) IF that is really the case, then someone pleassseee give me a sign as to how to redeem myself. Another round of heart-break and misery-- can die.. >
o<
That day, my sister was showing me pictures of her friend who cut herself on her wrist repeatedly, after suffering from an episode of heart-break. And I thought it is really a great relief that I do not have such tendency and courage to cut myself. But, I think I can understand her reason for hurting herself physically. When the pain inside gets too unbearable, and there is nothing u can do to remove it, u resort to something which u can do, that is to incur a greater pain than that one inside-- and thus help numb it abit, perhaps.. Never tried before, so not too sure...
*Sigh*.. feeling terribly tired from all these silly drama I've inject into my own life. Really don't want anymore liao..
Wu Yue Tian (Mi Lao Shu):
When I woke up, the world is still cruel..
I thought I am used to loneliness..
But I’m now helpless, on the verge of breaking down..
Who will lend me his(/her) embrace to softly cry in?
My dear Ashin (^^v) with his brand new sets of songs, as usual, with wonderful lyrics-- there's a song for every mood, in this new album.. Well.. this song suits me just nice now, I think..
So sad, so tired,
Clare.
posted @ 3:20 PM