watching

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Well… first things first. I wanna declare that this is my THIRD attempt at starting a blog (let me hear some applause, please). My previous 2 blogs ended with only one or two entry each, and if u ask me, I think it’s quite pathetic. Let’s all hope that this blog will have a longer life-span then the previous 2.

People around me have been writing blogs— some simply with the desire to let everyone know about their daily matters, some to show off their essay-writing skills, some to get awards, and some to bitch about “friends”, and others with various reasons too, of course.

For me, I’m pretty much like most bloggers-- starting a blog as a form of outlet for me to pour out my feelings and thoughts. Not the best method, I would say. But ever since I’ve left home and came to Sydney, I don’t have my sister to talk to and bore to death with my problems anymore. So, I’m pretty much left with not many choices.

Since this is the “opening ceremony” of my third blog, I’ve decide to make it slightly special. So, I am going to make it a slightly longer entry, and in 2 parts. (Wow… amazing huh?)

Part 1: my sprained toe…

I have no idea what happened to my toe too. This dull pain I’ll feel when I’m walking, it has been there for a few weeks already. I guess it’s partly due to the fact that my sandals are (really pretty, but…) super hard and uncomfortable and partly due to me having to walk 4 km frm U Syd back home everyday.

But this is not just about my sprained toe and the discomfort I’m going thru. It has a deeper ‘something’ to it-- that I’m alone in Sydney, miles away from family. If I were to have a sprained toe back home in Singapore, I can complain and whine to my mummy… and perhaps she will say something like, “what happened”, “ u want to see a doctor” or “go apply some medicate oil on it”… although this won’t help in the recovery of the sprain, because most probably, I won’t do anything about it after all…but it’s the feeling of having some1 caring about u… and not forgetting that I can whine to my sister too…

The current situation, on the other hand, is quite pathetic. With only my house-mates around, I have no choice but to whine and complain to them about my sprained toe, and what did I get in the end? All they said were something like: “what happened?” and followed by “ohh… stop being a baby, and stop whining!!” *sigh*… Display of such unkindness! (Ok gals, if u happened to read this. I’m just kidding lah. U know I LOVE u gals.)

So, what I’m trying to say here, is that studying overseas by yourself is actually not all that fun and exciting. Of course it can be sometimes, but mostly, it’s loneliness and home-sickness. Not to dwell on the loneliness and to enjoy myself? To say the truth, it’s much easier said than done. Especially, when things go wrong, u can only cry to yourself in your small (and barely furnished) room……

Part 2: my leaking heart

I was born with a tiny hole in my heart. I was put on medications, and the hole had supposedly healed and closed by itself, but I’m really starting to wonder if that is so. It seems to me that my heart is still leaking, leaking out love and emotions so easily, that inevitably, gets me hurt easily.(Get the idea? Not literally leaking, ok?)

Think I fall in love too easily. Actually, I don’t think it’s deep enough to be considered love. It’s more like it’s really easy for me to get totally infatuated with a guy, and when nothing comes out of it. I’ll get hurt and really upset…

The very first one at the tender age of 11 years old-- pretty much still cannot forget that guy. No significant ones during my secondary and JC days. Another one when in Polytechnic. Another one who popped in somewhere. And one now, in University…
(there’s this other one, but due to my stupidity, most probably I had lost him for good. I’m trying very hard now to forget, so is not going to include him here. Perhaps in a later entry.)

Quite a record huh? These guys I will never forget. Most of them, I gotten to know quite well. Thus, when they left me, got totally out of my life— I felt pain, and after each time, I told myself not to let my heart go thru this pain ever again. But then, I never learn.

Interesting fact of the day time!:
I’ve read somewhere that studies had shown that when a person is hurt or gets very upset, it’s not just all in the mind. Discomfort can be felt too in the chest/heart region, described by many as a slight constriction in the chest, and gets slightly harder to breathe.

This time, the object of infatuation-- This guy sitting approximately 2-3 metres, diagonally away from me during lecture today. However, I have a bad feeling about this, most probably this will end up just like before.
Have seen this guy around in school often, and I just CANNOT stop myself, I really, really want to get to know him better. But then again, to come to think of it, so what if I managed to get to know him better? What’s next? *Sigh*… I can predict another heart-break episode coming up. Which is why I’m writing this blog now, to get it out of my system before it kills me inside.

Know the story, ‘The Little Prince’ by Antoine De Saint-Exupery? Allow me to tell you a little bit about it—the author met the little prince (who comes from the stars). They had a great time together, then the little prince had to leave. After that, the stars mean something to the author, he ‘sees’ the little prince in the stars (the stars used to be merely tiny lights in the sky and nothing else), he ‘hears’ the little prince’s laughter and will have this special feeling, a feeling of happiness.
Somehow, I can relate to that. For me,-- Japan, Hong Kong and Texas used to mean nothing, just countries, no difference from, say, Afghanistan or Ireland or Denmark. But now, when I see or hear things that remind me of these 3 countries (and most probably, Sydney will be added to this list in future), a special kind of feeling will be induced within-- a slight constriction in my chest and it will get slightly harder to breathe……

Featured song of the day time!:
Shi Guang Ji (Time-machine) by MayDay

(roughly translated)
So regretful, so sad.
Want another chance, is it possible?
One more chance and I will make sure I will not come to this same ending.
So regretful, so sad.
Who can fix the pieces and make me whole again?
I’m willing to give up everything, in exchange for a time-machine.
I’m sorry that I’m moving on on my own.
But in the end, found out that it’s still loneliness till dawn…

Beautiful, beautiful song, makes me wanna cry every time I listen to it.

Ok, that’s all for today, folks. Do come back for more tomorrow (that is if I write something tomorrow..). If u were looking forward to some bitching of my friends and house-mates, then I’m sorry, pal. I’m not mean enough to do that yet. Just nice, innocent fun here! hahaha…

Love,
Clarissa.

posted @ 9:59 PM